Movie Blog : The Apple

Jules of Cinema Movie Blog
by Julia Marchese

The Apple
Released 1980

Now you’ve seen Xanadu. Who hasn’t? And you thought it was awesome with all its cheesy dance/skate numbers and cutie-pie leads, but it left you wanting more. “If only,” you thought “someone would take Xanadu and make it ten times better/worse, throw some biblical allegories in there and set it in the “future” of 1994 – now that would really rock!”

Well, friends, look no further. The Apple is the movie for you. How this movie was actually made, I have no clue. And that’s what makes it so wonderful. As you sit there, mouth agape, watching the train wreck that is this film you think, wow. Somebody actually green lighted this picture to be made. And paid for it!

Catherine Mary Stewart (Night of the Comet, Last Starfighter) stars as Bibi and George Gilmour (his only film) as Alphie, two lame Canadian lovers who compete against the Bim, the corporate overlord, in a song competition. Although the competition is rigged and the lovers lose, the Bim realizes that it was a close one and decide to buy Alphie and Bibi. Promised fame and fortune, Bibi is all too anxious to sign up, but Alphie has a vision (and what a vision!) of destruction and opts out. The lovers are split, evil is winning and all seems lost, until…well, I’m sure you can guess what happens.

But the plot is inconsequential here. If you want outrageous musical numbers, this film is for you. The costumes, the lyrics, the dance steps all look like they were created while the filmmakers were on acid. Yay!

I cannot recommend this movie enough. It brings me joy just to know it exists. It also makes a great background movie at parties.

Warning: just a little note of caution to all readers. I have actually lost friends over The Apple. No joke. When I showed it to two cult film loving friends of mine, they told me I had no taste in cinema and shouldn’t be allowed to watch movies anymore. I told them to stuff it and that was the last time we spoke. Watch The Apple cautiously, friends. It has powers beyond most cult cinema.